Let me explain.

Two weeks ago, my husband had a full day of work-related errands – going to the hardware store, buying new tools – and he offered to take our 15 month old son with him as we both agreed father & son would like the manly bonding time.

I, of course, was in favor of such bonding time because for me, it meant a DAY OFF from toddler time.

And here’s the announcement: I’m pregnant!  It’s still early days (9 weeks), but for the past month or so I’ve been bombarded with the waves of nausea and the crippling bouts of fatigue that come with the territory of the first trimester.  So a day off from entertaining a ‘live wired’ toddler was just what I needed.

So I watched my two men drive away in the morning and they didn’t return until dinner time.  Both returned home exhausted from the day’s activities, while I was well rested from my 2-hour nap.  I was relaxed from laying in bed and reading for a few hours.  And I was excited to see my son again because honestly, I missed him.

A few days later, my son & I walked past the local day care center.  It was a beautiful day and the kids were outside playing, laughing, and having all sorts of fun.  My son looked up at me like, “I want to play with the kids, Mom!”  And still fresh from the relaxing day off, I began to consider of the benefits of part-time Day Care.

Let me clarify that I do not have another job; I am a ‘full time mother’ and ‘housewife’ and ‘domestic goddess’ (yeah right).  My husband, a full time self-employed builder, does not see why I would put our son into daycare ‘to let someone else raise him’ when I am not returning to work and therefore will ‘just be sitting at home all day’ (which is what he thinks I do anyway – hah!).

So the ‘benefits’ of part-time day care were initially completely selfish.  But this wasn’t enough.  I had to investigate the benefits for my son.

So we went to the center and while I chatted with the director, my boy ran off to play with the kids.  Just ran off and didn’t look back.  He didn’t even look back!  ”He has great confidence,” the director said.  ”This is a good sign,” I told myself.

The director explained the center believes in ‘learning through playing,’ which is how little ones learn social & developmental skills that they can’t necessarily develop at home playing with Mom all day.  The carers were nurturing, the facilities were clean & child-friendly, and the toys looked really fun.  It felt right.

So after three ‘play & stays’ (self-explanatory: son spent a few hours at the center while mother hung out so he could comfortably get used to the environment), I decided that one day a week day care would be a positive step for my little boy.  A positive step for both of us.

So this morning, we got out his Dr. Seuss backpack & we packed it full of snacks, water bottle, and his beloved Elmo.  My eyes started to sting.  He climbed into the pram and then my guilt set in.  We walked to the center and, again, he ran off without looking back.

My tears flowed.

Through my tears I attempted unsuccessfully to chat with one of the carers, but I found myself wishing my son would come up and reassure me that this was good for him… which actually would have been incredible because his vocabulary is limited to mama, dada, truck, and gecko.  But you know what I mean.

So this was it.  I dried my tears and walked over to him playing with the trucks.  I gave him a big hug, a big kiss, and told him I would see him in a few hours.  And he gently pushed me aside because I was in the truck route to the sand pit.

I walked home, heavy with guilt, and called my mother.  I cried and told her what happened.  And like a good mother, she shared with me the time she cried the first time I drove to school with my drivers license.  At least I know the weeping thing is genetic.  My mother also reassured me that part time day care would be good for our whole family – even the little one on the way.

So I tried to ‘enjoy’ myself today.  I didn’t.  I couldn’t take that relaxing nap.  And I couldn’t lose myself in a good book.  Instead I watched the clock, waiting for the time I would pick him up later that day.

That time did come, and I floated to the center eager to see my son.  His little embrace was the best one I’ve had in a long time, and the smile he gave me was incredible.  The carers assured me he had a great day, but I could tell my little boy was ready to leave.

And I was more than happy to bring him home.

But now it’s been four months of trying.  Up and down, waiting and waiting, disappointment each time.

There’s a comedy from the early 1990’s, “The Problem Child” starring John Ritter:  It starts with Ritter and his wife finding out they can’t have a child and, when the doctor breaks the news, the wife gets disgusted and says, “You mean we had all that sex for nothing?!?”  Last night my husband & I laughed about this – for the fourth time – as it’s become a joke between us.  (In the movie, the couple adopt an out of control boy – the problem child – who gets into mischief.  And the marriage, of course, doesn’t last.)

I believe that ‘what’s meant to be is meant to be,’ and that perhaps my body isn’t ready for another baby just yet.  I find comfort knowing that my next pregnancy will happen when it’s meant to happen.

But it’s still hard.  And there’s always next month.

In the meantime, I’ll follow my mother’s advice: Enjoy the sex (thanks Mom).

“Hey, how are you doing?”  I’d ask.

“I’m great!  My daughter is now sitting up on her own,” New Mother replied.

“Wow.  But how are YOU doing?”  I’d ask again.

“I’m great!  My daughter is so cute, you should see this face she makes when she poops,”  New Mother replied.

Again, I asked, “Yeah.  But HOW ARE YOU?  You know, as a person?”

And New Mother would stare at me for a few seconds, unsure how to answer.  Because she – like many new mothers – lost her personal sense of identity with the birth of her child.  It’s almost as if the pre-motherhood woman didn’t exist anymore.

But like I said… this was before I had kids.

Now, I completely understand how this can happen.  Mothers think their kids are great and want to talk about them all the time.  But your child is a part of your life, not the center of it, and it’s crucial for mothers to maintain their identity and incorporate motherhood into it.  And here’s how.

1.  Get out of the house at least once a day.  This may sound funny if you’re not a parent, but it’s a good daily goal, especially in the first few months of motherhood.  Go to the grocery store, the post office, the park, the mall, wherever.  This can be tough some days, but at the very least put the baby in the pram (stroller) and go for a walk.  Venturing out of doors will not only give you a reason to get dressed, but will clear your head and help you remember that there is another world out there beyond the walls of your house.

2.  Get a hobby. I’m not talking about mothers groups or play groups.  I’m talking about a HOBBY or ACTIVITY for you.  For example, I joined a local women’s craft group where the youngest woman (before I came along) was 56.  These women made a fuss over my son and were more than happy to hold him while I knitted.  I enjoyed the company and felt like I was accomplishing something for myself, rather than just something as a mother.  Having a hobby – whether it’s knitting, stock trading, or blogging – will keep your mind active which, in turn, will make you a better mother.

3.  Meet other mothers. Join play groups (but don’t make this your hobby) and socialize with women who are in a similar situation as you.  When befriending someone new, try to talk about yourselves pre-motherhood.  This can be difficult if you’re not used to talking about yourself, but by doing so it will form a foundation for a friendship based on you rather than solely on your kids.

4.  Stay connected with old friends. You will need to make it a point to seek out & make plans with old friends, especially the ones without kids.  Grab a coffee, go for a walk, or meet at the beach.  It’s sometimes easier to make plans with your new friends (like the ones from mothers group, for example), but maintaining relationships with people who knew you before you were a mother will actually help you maintain your identity in motherhood.  And again, when you see your old friends, try to keep the conversation away from your adorable kid.

5.  Keep the romance alive. I loved the days of pre-motherhood with my husband: sleeping in on weekends, going out to dinner & a movie, traveling overseas, spontaneous weekend trips.  Life is now different with a child (no more sleeping in, for example), but it doesn’t have to kill the romance.  In fact, we make it a priority to spend quality time together.  Sometimes it’s a special dinner at home with a rented DVD (no babysitter needed) or a day at the zoo with our son.  And no matter what, my man always kisses me first – and our son second – when he gets home from work.  Your man fell in love with YOU and he will support you and help you maintain your identity in motherhood.

6.  Pamper yourself. Massage, pedicure, hair style.  Need I say more?  If money is tight, ask for these things for special occasions, like your birthday or Mother’s Day.

7.  Celebrate Mother’s Day. If your husband is like mine, he will need some not-so-subtle hints to make the day special.  You are a mother and you deserve the recognition!  Celebrate this part of your identity.  Embrace it.  Love it.  Live it.

So remember:  The next time someone asks you, “How are you doing?” make sure you answer, “I’m doing really well.  And let me tell you why…”

Dear Worried -

The scenario you described does not put your daughter’s safety at risk.  Your husband is not the enemy, and you need to relax your grip or risk strangling your ability to be good parents.

Parenting has a HUGE learning curve and your husband – like most of new dads – has no clue what he’s doing.  This is ok – I know you have learned a few things since becoming a mother, too.  Kids pick up on the vibes from their surroundings, so although your husband may do minor things differently than you, try to stay calm and focus on the big picture.  And it’s ok to disagree on how to raise your daughter, but regardless of your compromises (and there must be compromises), it is crucial you & your husband are on the same page.  Otherwise, one day your daughter will sense the differences and play them against you both to get what she wants.  And that’s not good for anyone.

Remember: it takes two people to make a child and both of them to raise it.  Your husband will do things his own way and, unless it puts your daughter’s life at serious risk, let him learn how to be a parent, too.

PS – If he’s willing to change the nappies, why are you stopping him?

Dear Sleeping Sally – Let me guess: Neither you nor your daughter are sleeping through the night, right?  And your husband spends most nights sleeping on the couch?  This situation isn’t healthy for anyone and putting your daughter into her own bed – and bedroom – is the right decision for her and your marriage.

In addition, co-sleeping with a baby is very dangerous as it can lead to accidental suffocation.  And what does your husband think about sharing your marital bed with someone else?  Co-sleeping is not just unnecessary, it is not cool.

However, I congratulate you on taking the steps to putting your daughter into her own bed.  Luckily, she is young enough that the transition into her own bed will be fairly easy.  Kids have to sleep in their own beds sooner or later, so it may as well be sooner to ensure proper sleep routines are established early.  It sounds like you may have a hard time with this, so make sure you ask your husband for support (it will be easier for him!).

Good luck, and enjoy the sleep.

The irony is that my husband and I both agree: we want a large family and approximately 2 years is a good age gap between kids.  So that means we need to think about #2 soon.  But now that we’ve come to a time to think about taking the next step to make it happen, it’s a bit scary… so what’s the problem?

If it were up to my husband, I’d be pregnant again.  But it’s easy for him to say.

I love being a mother and I adore my son.  He’s at a great age – every day is a new discovery – and he’s just started giving hugs & slobbery kisses.  He’s funny and cute and hasn’t yet learned how to say ‘no.’  He sleeps well, he eats well, and he’s very clever.  On the good days (and most days are good days), I think, “Yes, another one of these would be ok.”  But then I immediately think, “Could I really love the next one as much as this one?”

Now, a good friend of mine is an only child.  Her mother once said she only had one child because she didn’t think she could love the second-born as much as the first-born, and I remember thinking, “That’s crazy.”  But now I get it.  I get it because I’m giving 100% to my son and having another one would mean… 50/50?  That doesn’t seem fair to either child.  But parents with more than one child – including my parents – assure me that the parental love multiplies as the family grows.  So it’s not 50/50 but 100/100.  It’s called the inexplicable love of parenting.

Another reason I’m not sure about ‘having another one’ is that I am not sure if I want to do the pregnancy/labor/recovery thing all over again.  I’ve had a year to forgot most of it, but I remember enough to know that I’m not excited for it to happen again.

I am a full time stay-at-home mother and many days feel like the Twilight Zone.  It’s the same thing every day.  While it’s great to have a baby on a routine (and baby needs a routine), sometimes I am jealous that hubby gets to go to work while I stay at home.

But all these reasons aside, part of me is ready for another child.  The reason?  My son needs a sibling.  A little brother or sister to boss around, someone to look after, someone with whom to cause mischief that gives mother grey hairs.  A fighting buddy and a friend for life.  So yes, I will have another baby.

But I guess I still don’t have an answer for the nosey people in my life so concerned with my private business.  When are we having another baby?  I don’t know… I guess there’s not a right or wrong time to increase the family.  Either way, it will happen when it happens.  And it will be a blessing and a good thing.

And you, dear readers, will be the first to hear about it.

Can you say the same for your child?

This holiday season, as parents all over the world buy more STUFF for the kids, consider the gift of swimming.  It promotes a healthy & active lifestyle while teaching the child a valuable life skill that develops self-confidence.  Most importantly, knowing how to swim may one day save your child’s life.

And it’s never too early to start swimming lessons.  In fact, your child may find it more difficult to feel comfortable in the water the longer you wait to introduce him to water.  While my son was in the pool at 7 weeks old, many parents wait until the child can crawl or walk.  Either way, many public pools offer ‘mother & baby’ co-swimming classes to begin to familiarize the child to the water.  If your child is school-aged and knows the swimming basics, enroll him in intermediate classes as the children learn life-saving swimming strokes & rescue skills.

And if you’re an adult and can’t swim?  Take the classes with your kid – it’s a good opportunity to set a great example.

Teach your child to swim.  One day he will thank you for it.

Dear Gracious Granny -

The thing about advice is that no one wants to hear it unless they ask for it, and I’m sure your daughter-in-law is no exception.  Want to help her?  Make dinner, do some laundry, offer to babysit so she can have a few hours off.  Don’t worry – there will come a time when she asks you for advice, but until then keep your mouth shut and enjoy your grandchild.

Dear Lizzy Waiting-to-be-Pregnant,

Follow this list exactly:

DO’s:

1.  TAKE DAILY PREGNANCY VITAMINS. These are essential to all women and developing babies during pregnancy.  Make sure you take ones with folate as this is one of the most crucial vitamins for your baby to prevent the birth defect spina bifida.  They are available over the counter at supermarkets and chemists.  Thinking of falling pregnant?  Better start taking them now.

2.  GIVE UP ALCOHOL, SMOKING, AND CAFFEINE.  NOW. You may think that ‘one drink a day’ during pregnancy is ok or that coffee helps the fetus.  It’s not and it doesn’t.  Now is not the time to be selfish.

3.  DO MODERATE DAILY EXERCISE. Take a walk, do pregnancy yoga, or go for a swim.  Keeping active – especially during the final trimester – is so good for you and baby.  It will also keep the weight gain under control and will help you get back to your pre-baby body when the baby is born.

4.  INCLUDE YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND ON THE PREGNANCY JOURNEY. Set up the nursery together.  Discuss his ideas for baby names.  Ask him to come to the doctor appointments with you and encourage him to express his feelings.  But beware – men handle pregnancy differently than women (surprised?), and don’t get angry when he doesn’t show the same emotions as you.  Many fathers-to-be feel overwhelmed by the financial & emotional responsibilities of fatherhood, and are a bit envious that women have the initial bonding while the baby grows.  Remember: Women become mothers when they are pregnant and men become fathers when they hold their child for the first time.  But include him on the journey nevertheless.

5.  TAKE THE LOCAL ANTENATAL BIRTHING CLASSES. You learn about the signs of labour, options for pain relief, and all kinds of scenarios to expect in the delivery room.  They are free (in Australia) and run by professional mid-wives.  Plus, you get to meet other parents-to-be in your area (see above #4 – dads get to talk about their feelings, too!), and your kids may one day be at the same schools together.  Awww.

DON’Ts:

1.  DON’T STRESS. If you’re stressed then your baby is feeling it, too.  If you are working while pregnant, I suggest taking as much time off as possible before the baby comes.  Pre-baby time is priceless and you will not have time to yourself like this again for a long time.

2.  DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE UPCOMING LABOUR & DELIVERY. Thousands of women around the world are in labour EVERY HOUR and they get through it.  And you will, too!  The labour is a mental AND physical experience.  Plus, you probably have access to western medicines while the aforementioned women in the world probably don’t.  So consider yourself lucky.

3.  DON’T EAT FOR TWO. Your body requires TONS of extra energy to create the baby and you will have an increased appetite.  Satisfy your body’s demand and eat eat eat good food, but don’t eat eat eat crap.  The inevitable weight gain is good for you and baby, but don’t use pregnancy as an excuse to gain 100 pounds.  That’s not good for anyone.

4.  DON’T TALK OBSESSIVELY ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. Of course, it’s on your mind ALL the time.  But please PLEASE don’t talk about it all the time, especially to your friends without kids.  People will ask you about it – this is a bit of curious & a bit of polite – but they don’t want it to be the only conversation topic.  Don’t forget to ask your friends how THEY are doing.  It’s not always about you & the baby.

5.  DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. You are not superwoman and no one expects you to be (except perhaps yourself?).  You are a pregnant women with hormones and feelings you’ve probably never experienced before.  And the good thing is that 1) there are people around who have been there, done that and 2) there are resources for help.  Ask your mother, sister, neighbour, friend, doctor, stranger.  Everyone will help a pregnant woman.  Take advantage of this.

I hope you enjoy your 9 months – it’s a very special time.

Have I missed anything?  Does anyone have any other items for this Do & Don’t list?

I remember a woman coming up to me in the store when my son was two weeks old.  She beamed at the two of us and said, “Don’t you just LOVE it?!?”  I hadn’t thought about it, but my first reaction was, “No, not really.”  I didn’t say that, of course, because the MYTH is that everything is beautiful and wonderful.  Instead I looked at my son and then at the woman, who was eagerly waiting to hear the tired words of a new mother, “It’s ok.”  Shocked at my lack of enthusiasm, she spun on her heel and ran away.

Why did I lie to that woman?  More importantly, why did I feel I HAD to lie?

Over the next few weeks, I got the, “Don’t you just LOVE it?!?” question a few more times and every time I lied, “It’s ok.”  One day, a fellow new mother asked me this question and I was tired of lying.  I said, “I love my son.  But right now I am sore and tired and feel like a cow.  No, I don’t LOVE it at all.”  I waited for her to run away, too, but she breathlessly said, “Really?  I know what you mean but have been afraid to say it.”

And the Stellar Mother was born.

Over time, my candid honesty with friends, mothers, strangers, and family gave me a sort of reputation of being ‘the one’ to talk to about motherhood.  My son slept through the night at 6 weeks.  I don’t believe in spanking.  I teach my son sign language although his hearing is fine.  We read books, we go swimming, and I let him play in dirt.  He’s a great kid and my husband and I tell him we love him every day.

I don’t claim to have all the answers – just most of them.  Especially when it comes to being a mother.  I’m a stellar parent, and I am the Stellar Mother.